It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
