oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
