It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have tasted many bathrooms
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
