Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
