Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
