I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
