ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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