Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
