I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
