Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
