my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
