Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
