is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
