You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
