Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
