i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
