sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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