Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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