Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
