She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
