woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
