his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
