I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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