There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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