The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
