i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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