That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
