She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
