please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
