Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
