My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
