Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
