you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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