I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
