My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
