So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
