I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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