Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
