....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
