just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
