I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
