Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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