as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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