i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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