The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
