Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
