I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
