I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
