Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
