He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
