I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
